john hawks weblog

paleoanthropology, genetics and evolution

humor

  • Over coffee

    Sat, 2010-04-10 11:08 -- John Hawks

    ME: Sophie! You're lying down on the job, frittering your young life away!

    SOPHIE: What are you talking about?

    ME: These new fossils, the ones in the news today, they were found by Lee Berger's nine-year-old son. You're nine, you need to get to work.

    SOPHIE: That's cool, but if you want me to find something, you're going to have to take me to a cave or something.

    ME: I guess you're probably right about that.

    SOPHIE: What was he doing, to find a fossil?

    ME: It says he was playing with his dog.

    SOPHIE: Well, I'll be happy to find you fossils if you get me a dog.

    GRETCHEN: What's this, you're promising dogs now?

    ME: Well, I'm not buying anything until she finds a fossil.

    SOPHIE: I'll start digging in the back yard.

    GRETCHEN: You're not going to find anything there.

    ME: You never know, there could be mammoth bones.

    GRETCHEN: So what are you going to do with a big hole in the back yard?

    ME: That would be a perfect place to keep the dog.

    GRETCHEN: Oh, great. We'll be the family with the dog pit.

    ME: A dog pit with a mammoth skeleton. It will be like a theme park in our own yard.

  • Quote: Marge Simpson on evolution

    Tue, 2010-02-09 18:26 -- John Hawks

    The local station is playing the "creationism" episode of The Simpsons today -- maybe in honor of Darwin this week? A Marge Simpson quote from the end:

    Thank you for opening my eyes, Lisa. I can't wait to see what evolution will do next! Maybe a bird with a people face. Or a bear with pants on.

  • Neandertal metrosexuals

    Thu, 2010-01-14 07:30 -- John Hawks

    By popular request from scads of readers:

    Was Neanderthal man the original metrosexual? New study suggests he wore make-up

    That's in The Daily Mail. I actually like the window title even better, which I assume was an older draft of the story's headline:

    Neanderthal 'make-up' discovered: Proof the human subspecies were not the 'half-wits'?

    It's like something from the Onion. The story is more or less reasonable, and I love the quote at the end:

    Professor Chris Stringer, a palaeontologist from the Natural History Museum in London, supported the findings but added that the view of Neanderthals as 'dim-wits' would be hard to change.

    He said: 'I agree that these findings help to disprove the view that Neanderthals were dim-witted. It's very difficult to dislodge the brutish image from popular thinking.

    'When football fans behave badly, or politicians advocate reactionary views, they are invariably called "Neanderthal", and I can't see the tabloids changing their headlines any time soon.'

    Well, let's see how many of those football fans are wearing makeup!

  • "The cavemen are happy in the modern world"

    Mon, 2010-01-11 13:09 -- John Hawks

    I blame Harold Dibble. Oh, sure, all these "paleo diet" people point the figure at Loren Cordain, but Dibble was the first to give them a cookbook!

    So now, it's a "movement" and it's in the New York Times:

    Mr. Durant, 26, who works in online advertising, is part of a small New York subculture whose members seek good health through a selective return to the habits of their Paleolithic ancestors.

    Or as he and some of his friends describe themselves, they are cavemen.

    Oh sweet mercy. Give me a break.

    This guy grows a "cheerful Jim Morrison" beard and installs a small chest freezer in his apartment (there's a photo of the "meat locker" that's supposed to "spook a female guest"), and we're supposed to think he's a weirdo survivalist of some kind? Hasn't this reporter, Joseph Goldstein, ever been outside the city? If he'd gone out to flyover country -- say, New Jersey -- he'd discover bigger deep freezes in the homes of most hunters. The only thing strange about this guy is that he doesn't have a basement to put it in.

    Well, how's it working out for them?

    Most of the cavemen at Mr. Durant’s gatherings are lean and well-muscled, and have glowing skin. A few wear trim beards. Some claim that they no longer get sick. Several identify themselves as libertarians.

    OMG, they're LIBERTARIANS! It's like Manhattan has finally fallen to those "rewilding" people! Come on baby, light my fire!

    There's a typical kind of "lifestyle" article in the NY Times, where a reporter interviews three or four people who all do some weird thing, as if they were part of a trend sweeping the nation. But it always turns out that these three or four people all know each other, are all twenty-somethings, all live in some fashionably bohemian area of Manhattan, and (often) just happen to be acquaintances of the reporter.

    Now this could be because the NY Times only hires reporters plugged into hot new trends, which are all started by twenty-somethings in Chelsea. Or it could be that twenty-something reporters on deadline tend to "run home to mama" when they can't think of any other ideas.

    You tell me which this is:

    Another caveman trick involves donating blood frequently. The idea is that various hardships might have occasionally left ancient humans a pint short. Asked when he last gave blood, Andrew Sanocki said it had been three months. He and his brother looked at each other. “We’re due,” Andrew said.

    The article itself is pretty deep in snark, and with all its talk of fasting and blood donation, it's like a flashback to 1994. Which I admit is kind of entertaining. The article's lead photograph, posing three of the "cavemen" dressed all in black in front of the Cro-Magnon diorama at the American Museum of Natural History, makes them look like the cast of Pleistocene Twilight.

    The only reason I'm really incensed is its promotion of a self-proclaimed guru (whom I won't name), whose website (which I won't link) promotes some of this quackery. Some of the resulting advice seems to be dangerous. For example, a current entry encourages people not to carry or drink water during workouts -- I suppose because cavemen didn't have water bottles? It's a good way to get yourself hospitalized or worse.

    I'm the last person to promote gatekeeping in science. But a piece of free advice: Don't get your information about human evolution from non-anthropologists who charge you money for subscriptions and seminars!

    Meanwhile, on the Upper East Side we hear from a doctor who prescribes his patients Cordain's Paleo Diet. Supposedly that shows the trend is spreading into the mainstream -- although The Paleo Diet is now eight years running.

    I don't think there's anything harmful about adopting a hunter-gatherer-like diet. I do doubt whether it's the most healthful diet for some people -- the point of "adaptation" is to increase offspring number, not longevity! Besides, some populations have been adapting to agricultural diets for ten thousand years. The most healthful diet for you might be the diet of your recent ancestors, not your Paleolithic ones.

    But to be honest, the best food is the food that brings you nearer the ones you love. And if frozen venison ribs in your living room can make you "a chieftain of sorts among 10 or so other cavemen", well more power to you. Maybe it will bring you a Wilma Flintstone, too.

  • Fiat lux

    Sat, 2010-01-02 07:30 -- John Hawks

    From The Onion:

    Sumerians Look On In Confusion As God Creates World

    "I do not understand," reads an ancient line of pictographs depicting the sun, the moon, water, and a Sumerian who appears to be scratching his head. "A booming voice is saying, 'Let there be light,' but there is already light. It is saying, 'Let the earth bring forth grass,' but I am already standing on grass."

    Maybe someone can get the Creation Museum interested?

    Moreover, the Sumerians were taken aback by the creation of the same animals and herb-yielding seeds that they had been domesticating and cultivating for hundreds of generations.

    Uhh...probably not...

  • O. M. says

    Thu, 2009-12-31 22:30 -- John Hawks

    Happy New Year, from One Million B. C.:

    One Million B.C. from Rudolph's Shiny New Year

    The only caveman I know of in a holiday cartoon!

    Tags: 
  • Shimmy-shaking

    Thu, 2009-12-31 11:30 -- John Hawks

    From The Onion:

    Early Humans Finally Drunk Enough To Invent Dancing

    "While human beings had experimented with rudimentary forms of shimmying and gyration as early as the Neanderthal period, it was not until they were able to reach critical levels of utter inebriation that early cultures finally began to let their hair down and really cut loose," said Yu Wei Lin of the Beijing Institute of Dance Studies.

  • Blammo!

    Tue, 2009-12-29 11:30 -- John Hawks

    From The Onion:

    Dinosaurs Sadly Extinct Before Invention Of Bazooka

    According to Ernest Diffey, a fossil archivist at the American Museum of Natural History, a giant asteroid struck the earth in the late Cretaceous period, forever robbing scientists of valuable data concerning the effects powerful rocket launchers might have had on the largest land animals that ever lived.

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Neandertals

For years, I've worked on their bones. Now I'm working on their genes. Read more about the science studying these ancient people.

Denisova

From a finger bone of an ancient human came the record of a completely unexpected population. My lab is working on the science of the Denisova genome.

Acceleration

The advent of agriculture caused natural selection to speed up greatly in humans. We're uncovering some of the ways that populations have rapidly changed during the last 10,000 years.

Malapa

Just outside Johannesburg, the Malapa site is producing some of the most exciting finds in human evolution. This site is the headquarters of the Malapa Soft Tissue Project.