The panda portal

Now, see, here's the thing. I was reading this story about how this panda in Washington D.C., Mei Xiang, isn't pregnant:

Her hormone levels had soared after she was artificially inseminated, then dropped last week, signaling a cub could be born. But an ultrasound showed no fetus, and zoo officials determined she wasn't pregnant. False pregnancies are common in pandas, and Mei Xiang has had four.

Yes, the panda reproductive system is a product of genetic drift, in case you're wondering. But at the bottom of the article, where it lists "related stories," there was this headline:

Panda poop to be made into paper

Now, you know I'm going to click on that. So I did:

The center's 40 bamboo-fed pandas produce about 2 tons of droppings a day, but Liao said he was not sure yet how much paper would result.
...
The Chiang Mai Zoo in northern Thailand already sells multicolored paper made from the excrement produced by its two resident pandas. Making paper there involves a daylong process of cleaning the feces, boiling it in a soda solution, bleaching it with chlorine and drying it under the sun.

And then, at that bottom of that story, there was this headline:

Call to help legless panda

At this point, I'm thinking this is fairly unbelievable. I mean, is this the secret link that will finally suck me into the seventh portal of Hell?

Apparently yes, but not today:

Page not found
Our web servers cannot find the page or file you asked for.
The link you followed may be broken or expired.

Hmmm...this is really too weird to just let it go. So I searched Google News for word of the legless panda's fate. But nothing.

And then, a ray of light from Reuters:

Legless panda needs a hand to improve sex life

Hmmm...I think I know what you're thinking at this point. No, that's not why the panda needs a hand; it's a female panda, and she needs a leg to prop her up for the deed.

"Niu Niu's spirits have lifted, the wound has healed and her appetite has basically recovered. But without her left paw, her loss of balance has directly affected her love life," the paper said.
Staff were appealing to the world's experts for suggestions and hoped to receive a plan for a "meticulously scientific" fake limb as soon as possible, the paper said.

Well, if perchance you've been planning to purvey panda prosthetics, start practicing your product pitch!