Over coffee
John: I got the strangest e-mail today. It was from the University -- they wanted me to fill out "an important survey from Homeland Security."
Gretchen: Uhh...that sounds odd...
J: Yeah. So I clicked on the survey, and it asks me, "Does your laboratory use or store any dangerous chemicals?" Well, I clicked "No." And then, "Does your laboratory have any laser equipment?" And you know, I'm totally thinking like sharks with laser beams, right? But I clicked "No." And then it was, "Does your laboratory use biological agents?" So, I clicked "No," and it was like, "Thank you for your responses," and that was the end of it! I mean, you'd think they could do a little background, and sort of rule out the anthropologists!
G: Yes, like you're going to reconstitute Gigantopithecus and make it into your big dumb lackey.
J: Oooh -- if you're going to choose between a few big dumb lackeys or a lot of little dumb ones, which do you pick? I mean, I categorically rule out smart lackeys.
G: Because they will rise against you.
J: Yeah.
G: So you want me to choose between Bigfoots or Oompa-loompas?
J: I guess that sort of answers itself. I mean, if you are going to send them into the basement to get something, you'd pick the Oompa-loompas, since you don't have to worry about their heads hitting the door frame.
G: Right. And you know if you send Bigfoot down there, he's going to dump in the corner or something.
J: Uh, yeah. That would be bad.
G: So if I'm going to have henchmen or minions, I'd rather have many minions than a few henchmen.
J: Yes, clearly Homeland Security is wasting their time with us!
John Hawks Department of Anthropology
University of Wisconsin—Madison
Copyright © 2007 John Hawks