From The Onion:

Scientists Discover Mollusks Are Next Evolutionary Stage For Humans
ANN ARBOR, MIIn a breakthrough study that researchers say adds important insight into the evolution of Homo sapiens, scientists at the University of Michigan confirmed Thursday that human beings are slowly evolving into mollusks. Evidence shows that modern humans emerged on the evolutionary timeline about 200,000 years ago, developed into the highly evolved hominids of today, and are now transforming into soft-bodied invertebrates

I knew that I made the right choice getting my PhD from Michigan…