Ozzy Osbourne, archaic human

1 minute read

Via a reader: The Daily Mail really aims for the lowest common denominator of genetics: “We’ve all suspected, now it’s official: Ozzy Osbourne IS a Neanderthal”

He claims his superhuman genes have kept him healthy despite a lifetime of rock n roll excess.
And now it seems science may back up Ozzy Osbournes theory that he has a particularly hardy family tree. Researchers studying his DNA have found that the singer is the descendant of a Neanderthal man.

This is almost an entry in the Neandertal anti-defamation series. What holds it back is the clear involvement of some shady genetics company. Get this:

The researchers also examined the gene the body uses to break down alcohol and discovered an unusual variant which could have helped Osbourne survive during the years when he drank up to four bottles of Cognac a day.
Given the swimming pools of booze Id guzzled over the years not to mention all the [drugs] theres really no plausible medical reason why I should be alive, he told The Sunday Times.

What a crock! I mean it’s one thing to tell people their genomes have Neandertal markers. I mean, that’s a crock, too, since we have no clear marker list yet. But at least it’s a harmless entertainment-only kind of a crock.

Now, when you tell an alcoholic that he has an “unusual variant” that “could have helped” metabolize alcohol better – that’s an altogether deeper level of crockery.

I know, it’s like the “Weekly World News”, but cheez Louise, what a crock!